What the new attacks from "llanci" might mean to me.

Perhaps, with some luck, "llanci" will find something that actually "hurts" me again, and, by so doing, will enable me to see where my negative belief systems are. Fears and stuff. What will it be, if it comes? How will I deal with it?

It could be something that really helps me move forward, beyond my block.

I was considering, recently, about what F said one time after the rape. That she had what felt like a scar running through her on the inside. She felt it would have been better had it been a real scar across her face, so that people could see and recognise it for a scar, rather than it be some invisible thing. She felt that nobody could actually see her well enough to understand just how wounded she felt.

There are so many people out there, I guess, who feel the same way. I know I do now. I wonder if this latest attack will lead to some new enlightenment?

The shame that some GU posters try to dump on me is only a reflection of their own shame. That I know already. I've had enough of shame for this lifetime, for certain. Would it be some shame thing that might be the challenge, this time?

The other thing is do I really want to "heal" any more right now?

Do I need to go through working through the bullshit of a dozen or so total stranges and see how it relates to my condition? Or do I have anything better to do?

Well, I guess I'm in this thing at the moment. It staves off the boredom, anyway, so why not?

I wonder, though, what they'd make of my secret blog!

But "llani" has some more to go on, now. He needs to find something new, if he wants to bait me.

Another thing that dawned on me: if the GU people really felt sorry for me, they would have been very different. This is another thing that ties in with the self esteem equation. If I was going to be hurt and they knew it, then it really meant that they felt deeply hurt themeleves. So it would be irrelevent what they said!

Only a person with low self esteem can be hurt with words.

In the movie Silence of the lambs, Hannibal Lector managed to kill the guy in the neighnouring cell simply by talking to him. He makes him commit suicide, just by talking to him and eroding his self esteem. But the truth is that the "victim" was just a victim of his own ego. He was susceptible to the criticism that Lector was heaping on him because he was unaware of the illusion of his own personality.