Reflections

Just thinking on the last post again, and I'm realising that my self consciousness about such things have always kept me back. Cynical, insulting, negative or unsupporting, disbelieving "friends" have so often put the dampers on my dreams. Particularly my parents.

It's an awful thing to realise that your mother has been your enemy. We're so expected to love our parents, and rightly so. To be grateful to them, certainly, for bringing us into this world and all. But when you realise that a parent or parents haven't had your welfare and nurturing as a real priority, and they've had an agenda to keep you under their control, it's a difficult thing to face.

Same with lovers. When a lover has done things to manipulate you into not leaving, and used various means of persuasion to keep you in their "loop", you can't help but feel abused. I know I certainly do, and it's why, for one thing, I want to avoid my mother now, and certain people from my past.

I think much of my depression in my life is through a sense of not truly being myself. Of being diminished in a variety of ways through the abuse and manipulation of others. By adopting negative belief systems, being obliged to fulfill the needs of others and to pander to others' fears and irrational behaviours. I really do think it's the most frightful waste of life to pander to a person who simply doesn't have the courage to live their life fully, but that's what so many people do.

Many people live their lives to "care" for a person who is simply fearful of life. And by so doing, that person becomes a slave to that same darkness. And then we get tainted with "abandoning" that person, or of "being selfish".

And so, shame and guilt and some perverse sense of duty makes us all slaves by a chain of shame and heavy, awful guilt, to some black hole of human misery somewhere.

To step away from that, we get labelled "selfish", though. Isn't it bizarre?

But why should I dance that dance of misery, just because everyone else does?

Fuck it, and fuck them, that insist I should.

So, so much of my life has been spent with the desire to "fit in" and be accepted by dysfunctional, demanding people, rather than simply be who I am, fully and completely. Isn't that what we all need to do?

I play chess now and then, and there's a fairly good analogy in the game, If you play chess to not lose, then you'll lose every time. It has to be played positively.

Many people live their lives the same way. They live their lives to not die, rather than to live. And by so doing, they never really live at all, but spend their entire lives in a kind of twilight, neither alive nor dead, until they eventually die. It's as though they're toys that never get taken out of the box, or instruments that never get played.

And that's the most obscene thing that anyone can possibly be, in my opinion. This precious gift of life is to be lived.