The new me (mark CCVXXII)

I'm just speculating on the whole business of affirmations and creating my reality, and of the kinds of people I've tended to gear my life around, for the approval of. And what kinds of people have they been? Strangley, people who were bullies and loudmouths, and arrogant idiots. People like Pat Keown, for instance, when I was a kid. Why? Because to me they were cool, perhaps. They were certainly strong characters in that they didn't take crap from people. They'd dish it out, in fact. But they were pricks. Yet "nice" people never really interested me. And the other thing was that I could only be bothered with the likes of those who would mock me. Yet what kinds of people were they? People like Yan? Who'd smirk at stuff, if there was any chance of me feeling some kind of sensitivity or creative bent?

Yet what kind of a musician was Yan Style? And what a silly name. He changed his name from that of something you step over but that coes can't, to something so bizarrely naff like "style".What a wanker! He has no style at all, in fact.

And Leslie "don't spell it like a lady - I'm not a girl, but hate girls" Grantham. Another dickweed. Why should I have wanted to be anything like that person?

But I forgive myself for both these things.

I guess what it was was that I was so in need of a strong male role model, and so I looked for something in men other than my father.

I also looked for it in the dead hero that was my uncle Jack, whose name I took on board.

So the affirmations thing, again, is an interesting onc, as so many unspoken and spoken messages have been given to me owver the years about what kind of person I'm supposed to be, what my values should be, and how I should behave, how much money I should earn, and what my "station" should be in life.

I found myself competing against peopls who I simply didn't like, and who had little or no respect for me. Why should I have done that? And more importantly, why should I do that now?

So, when I affirm that I am a great man, I see no reason why I should listen to a voice that tells me that I'm only a wanker and a nobody.

When I affirm that I'm a great artist, I see no reason to listen to a voice that tells me that people like me can't be great artists, or that I'm too old, or that my work is naive or unacceptable or something.

When I affirm that I'm a good actor, I see no reason why I should listen to any critic, internal or external, that says otherwise: I'm not perfect, but attempting to be so would be futile.

I realise, quite strongly now, that to simply do what I do is enough. And that doing things for who and what I am is all I really need to do.

There may be people who will laugh at me for reasons other than I may intend. There may be people who might consider that the kind of work I do, have done, or will do is naff, silly, worthless, awful, unsophisticated, or any number of things.

That's quite irrelevant. What I do is my own adventure and my own journey, and my life's work will unfold in the way it needs to, regardless of what other people think.

I realise that there may be some things that I say and do that may offend or embarrass some people. But I realise that it would be impossible - in fact it IS impossible - to go through life without offending people, nor challenging people, being misunderstood, appearing contradictory, hypocritical and so on.

It isn't, as I've said before, my job to be perfect.

So be it!

The new me is launched from this moment.