From "The Dance"

The advantage of the written word is that I can tell you here near the beginning what was only revealed to me near the end: I write these words to name myself -- to name each of us -- worthy of going home, worthy of having our longing met, worthy of awakening in the arms of the Beloved. Finding and voicing our soul's longing is not enough. Our ability to live in a way that is consistent with our longing -- our ability to dance -- is dependent upon what we believe we must do. If our intention is to change who we essentially are, we will fail. If our intention is to become who we essentially are, we cannot help but live true to the deepest longings of our soul.

The above, to me, is perhaps the most succinct observation of where I've gone wrong in my attitude towards myself in the past. It's where I've been disconnected from me. Previously, I've rejected who I've been, as I've sought to be something more sophisticated or desirable, valuable, or worthy. I've wanted so much to be better, but all the while denying the innocent person that was at the core of my self.

Don't we learn to do that at such an early age, though? How many children reach the age of ten and look back at their own "childhood" (as if they weren't still in it) with shame and embarrassment? We reach our teenage years, then look back at those earlier years with further disgust, then, in our twenties, we go on to reject our teenage music, dreams, values.

How much time - how much life - is wasted in self hatred?

I wonder when I decided that I would change myself. When was the first self help book that implicitly told me I wasn't good enough?

Am I now on the path of "becoming who I essentially am"?

I do hope so.

I do hope so.