Bringing stuff out into the open

I've been having some thoughts about self revelation. What makes us want to reveal ourselves to the world, after all? The public diary has become something of a public confessional. We're absolved of out sins because we admit them, firstly, then we rid ourselves of the shame by letting them be seen in the light of day for what they are.

I've been thinking how I can use these ideas in a film. I do understand that I've had an overwhelming tendency to procrastinate, in part because such a project can seem far too much to take on. How do you go so deeply into yourself and still remain objective? And besides, who really wants to know? But we are drawn to whatever we're drawn to. Just as many people are drawn to stories like Leslie Grantham's - a person who's done the things others feel they can't or won't - we're also drawn to stories of self discovery, at least when it's genuine. It does seem, though, that many, many more people are drawn to the stories of serial killers than the stories of their survivors. And I wonder why that is. Is it because there's a greater abundance of lower life forms, and lower orders of intelligence? Serial killers have an appeal to baser intelligence probably because it's easier. Just as more people are drawn to junk food, more people are drawn to junk art, junk TV, junk people. It's unfair, yes, but weeds are more prolific, and will take over the garden if you let them.

But I digress.

Getting back to me - and after all it's my blog, so of course it's about me - I think my attitude towards Leslie Grantham was a lot to do with some kind of personal sense of morality and superiority than anything else. At the end of the day, I expected him to fail, and my fantasy was to be some kind of heroic, but condescending friend to him. I became appalled not by what he'd done, but by the public reaction to what he'd done. Not that he'd become famous despite his being a convicted murderer, but becoming famous because he was a convicted murderer.

My sense of injustice was all the greater because I felt that it's the victims that should become the rich and famous ones.

Subsequently, though, I've seen some kind of peculiar divine justice, or divine education in my experiencing such bitterness. It's led me along a road less travelled, for starters. And it's help make me who I am. Going through bitterness and coming out the other side of it's a powerful and valuable journey. And extremely valuable for an actor. I know I'm wiser and more experienced because of my experiences around my thought about him, the rape of my girlfriend, my rages and depressions, bouts of insanity, poverty, homelessness, PTSD and such. Each of them has been an invaluable experience. If I can use them as an actor or writer than that's great. If they're something I simply carry into a "next life" then that's "God's will", I suppose. God willing, I'll be doing some great art, great acting, and great film around my own experiences in life.

But I do know I have to bring them out into the open.