I was reading something about a guy who interviewed some attempted suicides. He wanted to know what exactly went through the minds of people who'd actually committed to real suicide, so he found the survivors who'd jumped from the San Francisco Golden Gate Bridge.
Apparently, all of them had realised they'd made a mistake the moment they'd jumped. They all said it was as though everything made sense as they did it, and they'd instantly regretted it.
He went on to say that what appeared to be most profound was that each of them experienced a death of the ego, though, from their act. And that was the death they needed more than anything. The physical death was stupid; the ego death was vital.
I know someone else that has a similar story. His twin brother shot himself through the heart a few years back, and as he lay dying, he told his brother that he realised he'd made a terrible mistake.
Ego death is a fascinating thing, and it's something I've wrestled with for a long time, like so many others. I know, deep in my heart of hearts, that the true source of creativity and love is behind the mask of the ego. Rid of ego and associated fears of what others think, and an individual can do so much more. Selfconsciousness, pride, shame and all the rest of the ordinary human weaknessess are all tied up with ego. It's inevitable that every suicide has huge issues of shame that block his or her life in some way.
It's odd, though, that I find that there's a fine line between ego and its opposite. They actually seem very much the same. Ego still wants an individual to be seen as ego free, rather than just be what it is. The attempt at the appearance of having no ego can be as much of an ego trap as anything else: even more so, perhaps.
Funny, that.
Ego, Schmego.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
Ego
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2 comments:
I came across a video you did (Apoplexy) and followed the links to your web-page and then to this blog.
Having attempted suicide, I was intrgued but the concept of the necessity of "death of ego". I hadn't thought about it before and will have to mull it over. Perhaps it seems rather perverse, but I however have always felt that my suicide attemp "saved my life".
My expression of this is "I don't recommend trying to kill yourself in order to get your life in order, but that's what it took, for me." I'm sure most people don't understand it, but I know in my heart that is how it was*.
Perhaps it was also the time in my life (I think we are about the same age) that enabled me to make the transition from spiraling down to climbing out of the abyss.
*I have a more complete account on my blog (one of my blogs), so, by all means, feel free to read it.
Thanks for your comments, Anneke.
I'm glad someone's watching my videos! I wondered if anyone did.
Yes, the death of ego thing is an interesting one. I think that much of the suicidal thing is a self worth issue, and self worth is inevitably linked to ego. I know that when I can simply let myself be, rather than dumping a load of expectations on myself, I can function so much more effectively and happily.
It's a paradox that suicides often feel ashamed of themselves, I think. The self worth thing leads them to not feeling worthy enough to get help, and inevitably becoming so isolated that they can see no other "way out". The connection to the rest of humanity is lost because of the intrusion of the insistent ego, and the vicious circle is complete.
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