Criticism.

I've had some more experience of certain posters on GUT, and it's been interesting what's gone on.

This is a brief recap: I've posted on Guardian Unlimited, the online newspaper talkboard, for about four or so years, on and off. At first, I tended to post sensible, intelligent posts, making social points that were relevent, articulate, and quite responsible. I often got comments from other posters that I'd "hit the nail on the head" and so on, with the points I made.

A couple of years ago, after having briefly posted a link to a website that had my acting resume, someone asked me to put the link up again so that they could get a similar site set up, or something. I let the poster have the link, then she passed it to her boyfriend, and he made a thread poking fun at me. At the time, some of my resentments had come up about the success of Leslie Grantham, a murderer, compared to mine, the "nice guy", and he picked up on that. The thread was a secret poke at me, and I picked up on it.

Just for fun, being that I'm not a one to resist a challenge, I played along with the thread, and made myself out to be a seriously resentful "luvvie", just for the benefit of the posters. What came as a surprise was the extent of their own bitterness and hatred, and desire to attack another person. It was as if these people were longing to find someone that they were justified in hating, and direct all that hatred. As the thread went on, to my amusement, horror, and amazement, more and more people joined the bandwagon of hatred towards "jackywack", the semi-ficticious character I'd developed.

What became interesting, too, seeing as I was playing close to the bone with the whole character, was how much I'd dip in and out of the "core" me with both my character and how I'd be "hurt" by what the posters said.

At the time, too, I'd been writing an article on the rape and how it had affected my life, for the editor of The Guardian, Katherine Viner, and it had been bringing up enormous, terribly painful feelings which I was having difficulty processing. There was a thread running about rape at the time, too, which I was engaged on, and it was exascerbating my own issues and my ability to make sense of what was going on in my head.

The article just wasn't coming out the way I wanted it to, and I was getting more and more crazy as "stuff" was coming up for me. The issues were coming to the surface, but I was having a problem articulating them. I went into therapy. This was about the time, too, that I contacted Jemstar, one of the posters on GU, who I'd found made most sense, and had the best stuff to say.

But the attacks on "jackywack" became real, and tedious. Certain posters became more like stalkers, and they followed me around on the talkboard, in all kinds of threads. Gradually, these intrusions got through to me and my own self esteem issues arose even more. I went into therapy to work on them. In that regard, I really appreciate what the posters said: their attacks helped me see the weaknesses in my self esteem. Jemstar helped me with recognising issues of shame, and the entire process became one of healing.

"jackywack" eventually got banned, and I returned to GUT in a new guise as "Rasputin", with a tarot thread where I'd read the fortunes of posters. What shocked me, again, was the vitriol in some posters. The hatred, venom, and loathing in them.
Gradually, "rasputin" became outed as "jackywack", and the curse of the ficticious character became someone that I had to bear again.

But the whole business of being a character on GUT has taught me a lot. In some respects, it's a microcosm of life. I found myself listening to the critics and the hatemongers, as if their word had some power. Then I began to ask myself why, considering that these people were so small that they remained anonymous on GUT. To this day, it baffles me that people can attack others whilst hiding. As if any person of any real character could be intimidated by words of hatred by a coward!

And it made me look, too, at what criticism really is. I mean, why do people criticise others? Because they want them to be perfect? How bizarre is that, when they themselves aren't! It's like they're children, demanding that everyone else be their perfect parents that they never had as children, and want now.

Then, I had a request from a poster about another poster who was ill with cancer and dying. I made suggestions that this poster should just live her life as best she could, and travel, have a nice holiday and so on. The other posters hated that I was just being realistic and positive about the whole business, and again their hatred poured out at me, that I dare suggest that someone might die. As if none of us does!
Their denial, I realised, was something that was making her cling to a fruitless hope, yet they were hating me for telling them so.

And I find myself now, still drawn to discovering what makes these individuals be who they are, and say what they say. One, who calls himself "aloyisius", seems to have some very deep hatred that he's not addressing very well. He's got stuck in the belief, it seems, that "jackywack" was a real character and not someone that I became in order to fulfil a negative fantasy for them. I'm intrigued, to some extent, to see what makes this person tick, and perhaps let him find out what's been getting in the way of his life, as I go about the process of discovering the blocks to my own enlightenment and self actualization.

But do I really need to witness all the criticism? I mean, doesn't it get at me, to keep seeing it? Sure, these people have a problem, and at the end of the day what an anonymous nitwit says is absolutely irrelevant. No self respecting person would hurl real insults at another - certainly from anonymity - so how can I be affected by such a person? But seeing the words is always a bit wearing. It's tedious. It's like teaching damaged children all the time. Do I really want or need that? Of course I don't. Nobody needs shame dumped on them, whether it's deserved or not. So I should really ask myself why I've been so drawn to a talkboard that has so many people who have so many personality defects.

I realise, though, that GUT is, to some degree, a safe place to be insane. Sounding off, and hurling insults, agrguing, being attacked and attacking does allow a person to find hidden parts of themelves, and decide how to use them, if at all. I like that GUT's offered me the chance to recognise my own faulty belief systems and such, and heal and grow.

But I suppose that one of the most difficult things to contend with, and this is so in life, is the irrational thinking of others. The herd mentality of others, for example. That's so apparent on GUT, where I feel many people do and say things that agree with others, just so they keep friendships and alliances. That may sound potty, but I know I've done it myself. How many relationships do we have where we put up with someone's shit just so we don't feel lonely?

There are many lonely people on GU. I know I've been lonely myself, and I'm sure that's one of the reasons I've been going there.

But the criticism thing is still fascinating. Sometimes I wonder that there might be posters who are doing the same thing as I was: being characters and getting a rise from me, rather than just being who they are in real life. There's a lot to be learned from getting a rise out of someone, of course. It means that you can find out how a person is thinking without revealing your true self. Then, you can manipulate that person. I suppose that's what some of them feel I've done. But the problem is that that was what was done to me in the start. I picked up the gauntlet, and gave them back what they gave me. As "Rasputin" I got back at the author of the very first prank on me, done by "Feckless", when she asked "Rasputin" during the tarot thread if she'd ever own a new car. I said "no". That was it. It was a beautiful moment.

I do hope she took the prank in the same way I took hers.

But the entire business of taking in the words of other people is a fascinating one. I mean, isn't it? That an anonymous person can say something that makes you feel either good or bad about yourself, when that person could be lying, either way? When their comment could be completely arbitrary? I mean, how utterly absurd that we should be bound by opinion, from absolutely anyone!

In this respect, GUT has been, for me, a remarkable source for insights not just into myself, but into being a human being in general.

I relish criticism now. Even from fools.