Authenticity

As I've been writing this blog over the past months, I've become aware of the fractured nature of my personality, and of the sometimes contradictory nature of my opinions. I'm aware of the rage I sometimes feel; of my craziness, frustration, and other antisocial or generally socially unpleasant aspects of my personality.

I realise that mainstream media has a veneer of niceness so as not to offend the genteel nature of some of its readers. This is because the mainstream media tries to take into account the average reader, who's some kind of conglomerate of everyone, with the sharp edges filed off. So, journalists inevitably become softened versions of themeelves, and give their public pale, watered down versions of who they are.

I can understand why they do that. I myself feel extremely vulnerable when I say what I really feel on these entries. I realise I'm "putting myself out there" as I explore my thoughts and feelings so openly. But how else can I be authentic, and actually engage people?

What we seek as human beings are answers, and we seek answers through truth. How can we find truth if we hide our real belief systems? How can we ever know if there might be errors in our thinking, in our logic? The unveiling of the mysteries of life can only be done by truly exploring the self, and looking at the painful places inside, as well as the painful places outside. What's ever been wrong with questions?

I know I've covered this ground in other posts, but I want readers to be clear of the purpose and function of this blog - at least one of the purposes and functions of it. By exploring my fractured self, and my contradictions, rage, and prjudices, I can explore the outside universe, too.

I don't claim to have answers in this blog, although I do realise that moments of clarity do appear.

What I hope, above all, is that I can be as authentic as I dare. This is my one life. What on Earth could be the purpose of living it anything other than authentically?

This is where I feel so many people fail in life. They wear a carefully constructed image. That image may lead to their "success". But so what? If they're no longer connected to a reality that makes them grow, then what's the point?

I had a similar conversation with Robbie Moffat the film director when I was in New Orleans, and a similar conversation with my friend Sharon yesterday. They both said that the really poweful, connected times are when they've got no money. I've felt the same thing. Life's more interesting when you've failed, and you have to be creative with how you go about your life. The stuff that insulates you from The Truth becomes that stuff that suffocates. Only authenticity really has any lasting effect. Only by staying with authenticity can we be truly alive and intimate, with ourselves, others, and the universe.

So if my authenticity seems somewhat brash or abrasive at times, all I can say is that's the way it is at that time. I need to be who I am so that I can rediscover myself, or perhaps discover myself for the first time. My abrasive moments are part of that process.

Reading books and talking to therapists about the nature of trauma and powerlessness, they all point to one direction: that the fundamental rediscovery of the true self is what healing's all about.

And that's what I'm doing here.

And you, reader, are a witness to it.